Flip Flop

So, 34 days late (technically 35 since it's after midnight) and I'm still flip flopping on (possibly) being pregnant. I want to, and yet I don't. I do want my children close together, and I really do want another little one. I do need to lose the weight, and get these headaches checked out. So I flip flop, and I'll admit it, I'm scared. I'm afraid of what Eli's response will be, I'm afraid of the rest of the family. I'm afraid of my own reaction (to if I am, and if I'm not), and I'm frightened of what another pregnancy will bring.

I also can't bring myself to say anything to Eli because I'm scared. I can't figure out a way to make him say to test. I'm afraid of getting a test, testing, and then showing Eli a test he didn't know I'd bought and taken. I don't know how I would say it.

The only people I've shared these fear with, can't tell Eli (with one exception). I don't know what to do, or how to explain anything, and I'm starting to stress. I'm passed the freaking out stage, and into the whole "Am I, or Am I Not." Not to mention the "what should I do?" phase. Blah. There, I've said it.